With the World Cup well under way, we are bombarded with media coverage from the latest wins, loses and future predictions.
It’s an international sensation, drawing people from all corners of the world to get behind and celebrate their country. But, the same old sport is tiring. So, we’ve compiled a list of fictional sports we wish were real… as they would provide better entertainment for a World Cup than football.
Mini golf is a more exciting version of golf, but Aldous Huxley’s Obstacle Golf is even better. The perk of this style of golf is that Huxley provides no explanation for how it’s played in Brave New World, apart from that it’s with ‘complicated’ equipment – it’s down to us to make the rules. Will it be an overly exaggerated mini golf, where the player must putter the ball across a rope elevated 8ft into the air and into the hole whilst blindfolded? Or, is it played through electro-magnetic technology?
Scrap the governmental control, and the prospect of an Obstacle Golf World Cup is revolutionary. There’s opportunity for more than one tournament when there is more than one set of rules, and, its extremity is far more entertaining than watching a ball getting kicked about a field.
Like football, cricket can get a little tedious. So, what better way to liven the sport than having two teams launch cricket bats, footballs, goal posts, and wickets at each other, and then sincerely apologise for injuring the other team? Thanks to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the idea is already pitched and we just have to persuade people brave enough to play it. We thrive on conflict in sports and people getting hurt in absurd situations – we think it’s hilarious. So, it’s definite that we’d get enough people to back it.
We’re half-way there in football, all that’s needed is for the referee to provide one player with equipment to beat the fouler in bad play and then for them to apologise when the ref considers it too aggressive and pulls a yellow card. Maybe if the World Cup includes a showdown when playing got dirty it would be more amusing.
Image: John Tenniel
Croquet isn’t really a popular sport, it’s a bit slow like golf. But, Lewis Carroll’s version in Alice and Wonderland is World Cup-worthy when you swap the inanimate equipment for animate apparatus: hedgehogs for balls, flamingos for mallets and oversized playing cards for arches. We’re all for being at one with nature, but Flamingo Croquet is arguably animal abuse so it’s necessary to have a teleport to travel to Wonderland to play it legally. With that in mind, maybe apologising to the animals after using them for a game ensures the sport is fairer.
A World Cup Flamingo Croquet in Wonderland would be one of the most exciting tournaments in history, especially when the Queen of Hearts is playing. What better way to liven the atmosphere and get the adrenaline pumping when the Queen starts demanding “off with his head” when she’s knocked from her first position. Although, that is bad sportsmanship.
Quidditch is not as difficult as it seems. Think ice hockey but in the air with a broomstick. Quidditch is the ultimate World Cup package: team play, clear rules, action and wizardry to add some edge to the game. Whilst national and international ‘Muggle Quidditch’ leagues have sprung up over the years of Harry Potter’s presence, it’s not the same as the real thing. It’s everyone’s dream to become a wizard.
For football to be levelled with Quidditch as the most entertaining for a World Cup, there needs to be some changes: broomsticks, flying skills and less whining from the players for a free ‘shot’ when a Bludger hits them.
Since we haven’t mastered the wizardry yet, we’ll settle for the football.
A game of Muggle Quidditch in Vancouver
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